Turning 30

In 13 days I will be turning 30 and I feel mixed emotions. I feel slightly scared, a bit excited, maybe nervous. I never gave it a thought before, I never thought I will be nervous or scared, I have always felt too young to be worrying about age, and I am not saying that I am too worried about it now, but this has concided with the loss of my husband's dear dear grandfather. The funeral was heartbreaking and sad. I didn't know him many years, but enough years to care very much about him and I love my husband so much that his pain was my pain too.

All this makes you think about mortality and that every moment counts. I knew that already, but now I really feel it.
So, turning 30 suddenly has a whole different meaning.

A few months ago I said to myself that I had to make some changes in order to feel happy about being 30, and I started making a list of all the goals I wanted to achieve by the time I was 30, or at least make a move towards them. So, I am now going to have my first driving lesson in two weeks time (yes, I still don't have a driving licence!) and I am quitting smoking a day after my birthday.
The first thing excites me and scares me at the same time, the second thing just plainly scares me.

I have bought Alan Carr's book and I have very good intentions to read it all in one go, and I hope it will work, and in a way I am scared that it will work, if that makes sense to anybody! The last time I quit I got extremely depressed and I am worried it will happen again. I don't mind the physical symptoms, but I really did mind the depression (i only lasted two weeks). I don't want to take anti depressants, I am not against it, but I just want to make it on my own, without that sort of help. I want to prove to myself that I am strong enough to do it. But I sooo believe I am not strong enough to do it. So, it will be a tough battle and maybe I shouldn't have teamed up my quitting with my turning 30, it just makes me dread it even more.

I wish I never started and I wish I never liked it at all. And I didn't at first, but as an insecure 18 y.o. that I was, it made me feel better, more confident and more sure of myself and soon enough I was hooked. What a fool I was! If only I could cut down at least to 5 a day, I would feel great, but it's all or nothing for me. I tried, but I just couldn't.

To all the no-smokers out there, I hope to join you very soon!