Thursday, July 28, 2005

Future Regrets

I have always known I get bored easily in jobs, and so I never thought I would stay 5 years in the same one! If someone told me this 10 years ago, I would not have believed them. How did I get stuck on this job?

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful I have a good job and good pay in a place where people know me and respect me and I don’t have to prove to anyone how able or experienced I am, because they already know it. But there is something missing, I feel dissatisfied, bored, and emotionally unfulfilled, and what I do helps nobody and I feel I am wasting my time.

I keep thinking I want a new challenge, a new exciting career, a career where I can make a difference for people, but then I think of my lovely wage and how it would be hard to give that up to start from the first step of the ladder again at 29. As well, I am thinking of studying a bit more, but can I really make the sacrifice of working full time and studying in my spare time? I am married, and I want to be with my husband in my spare time. Maybe have a baby in 1-2 years, so what would be the point? Should I just stay here until I feel ready to have a baby?
Or should I take my destiny in my hands and do something enjoyable and useful with my life until I am ready to have a baby?

The answer seems so obvious, but it’s still hard. I don’t want to have regrets in 10-20 years time and wished I did something different, something that I love with passion, something that would make me jump out of bed in the morning, instead of dragging myself reluctantly to the shower. But how many people have that? Not many, maybe actors, maybe teachers, or singers, or book authors, I don’t know. I wish I knew back when I was 15, what my talent was and what my passion was, so that I could have studied towards such goals….. but I didn’t know what I was good at when I was 15, I wasn’t driven by ambition and money, I was just living my life the best I knew. I am not sure I even know now what my talent is anyway. My husband says I have a big heart and that I seem happier when I help people, and I should try and do something with that.

I will make a decision soon and will keep you posted!

Friday, July 22, 2005

London under attack - again

Fear is gripping me again, after the second attacks in two weeks. Thankfully nobody got hurt, but the thought that some people are still out there trying to kill us, is so upsetting and scary. I am fed up really, we didn’t expect something to happen again, so soon after 7/7. I am now taking the bus very early in the mornings, hoping whoever wants to bomb us, won’t do it as early as 7.30. But, as yesterday attacks show, we can’t outguess the crazy criminals out there. Let’s just hope and pray that they will catch the 4 guys from yesterday and put them in jail.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005


New York..... New York.....New York.....
I have been there in February 2005 for 10 days with my husband (won the tickets through a newspaper competition:). We both loved New York so much that we want to go back very soon, but this time in the summer or at least the fall!
Find here above a photo of me in Central Park, and as you can see, it was freezing!

I had very high expectations of New York, as I have been dreaming of going there for many years, and I must say I was not disappointed in the least. It was even better than I imagined. The people we met were always so friendly, apart from a very rude subway worker, but that's another story altogether.
Once we were standing on a pavement in Greenwich Village, just looking at the beautiful houses and checking on our map what we should visit next. In the 5 minutes I was standing there, 3 different people asked for directions, and fool that I am, I tried to help with my map and soon they lost patience and left. Then a local guy approached us and asked us if we needed help or were lost.

Before this I must explain that many people have asked us if we needed help or were lost in NY, something that would never happen anywhere else, as far as my experience goes. Everybody is always in a rush and certainly doesn't have time to help tourists, unfortunately I know, as I am like that in London sometimes.

Anyway, as this guy looked so eager to help and so friendly, I decided to say yes, we needed help in finding the subway, even though it was not true. Don't ask me why, I am just too nice and hate to disappoint people :). He looked happy he could help and proceeded to describe the way to the subway, but then, an idea came to him and he asked us to follow him somewhere nearby and reassured us we could trust him. As he said this, we were not sure if we should trust him at all, but we followed him anyway. He took us in this courtyard and told us that behind an old door, there was a lovely bar called Chumley's. We all entered after him and found ourselves in this lovely bar, hidden away and unknown to most people but locals ( I then found out the bar is on every tourist guide), but that's beside the point.

What the point is that the guy just wanted us to have a good time and went out of his way to take us to a good place. Needless to say, we offered to buy him a drink, but he wasn't having it, he had to go, as he told us he narrowly escaped death that day, apparently his building burned in a fire and he was the only one to get out. He said he felt he needed to do a good deed that day and show a couple of tourist this gem of a bar. We ended up spending the all afternoon and evening in the bar and met a nice guy Matthew and all his friends and spent a lovely time with them, they were really nice guys and we had a great time drinking with them. Turns out that Matthew actually met SJP in an elevator once and he loves her as much as I do, so talked a lot about SATC and movies in general, (he is trying to be an actor and I wish him all the best luck).

So, to everybody I say I love NY and love the New Yorkers too!

Friday, July 08, 2005

A sad and terrible day

So it has happened.
I feel shocked, upset, sad, angry. First of all, I want to express my sympathies and condolences to all the families and friends that have lost someone they love, someone they will dearly miss and mourn, that everybody in our beloved city will especially mourn.

We were all waiting for it after 9/11, but it didn't happen and we all relaxed. Shouldn't have, but one has to keep on living and not worrying every day about what might or might not happen...
And so everybody just keeps on living, even today, after what happened yesterday. I know that this is the best way to get over it, to just keep on doing what you always do, and not let the terrorists win by being afraid, but I can't help it, I can't help but be afraid, I can't help but stop for a day or two
...especially after seeing the exploded bus, looking just like the bus I take every morning to work, and thinking that if it was my bus, I would have been dead, as I always sit in the back.
Can't think of taking the bus on Monday morning.

At 9.30 on the morning of the 7/07 I arrived at my office, cheerful and looking forward to my day, unaware that bombs were already exploding around and underneath my beloved city. The first I knew of it, it was when my colleague's father called from Italy asking how his daughter was, I didn't understand what he was on about, I didn't get it, the line was very bad and then he mentioned explosions and I quickly reassured him that his daughter was at the hospital getting a scan, so she would certainly be in the safest place to be.
I then logged on the internet and tried to call my husband immediately, but his mobile was switched off. I read on and told my colleague, it was just me and her in the office that morning; we were astonished and shocked, but still nothing was clear to anybody and we didn't understand what was going on, until we read about the bus exploding. That confirmed our fears that this could be a terrorist attack. I tried my husband again with no luck . He works near Liverpool Street and I was worried he was in the area. He doesn't take the underground (we both stopped taking it after 9/11) but at that point in the day, nobody knew what was going on and there were reports of three buses exploding and bombs exploding in the streets, so I was very worried about him, mainly because I just couldn't get through to him. Then I tried the landline in case he was still home, but with no luck.
We then looked around for a radio, found it and switched it on, and listened to more up to date news. They kept saying not to move and to stay where we were, and that the attacks were from terrorists, and that there were fatalities, but nobody still knew much.
Then the phones stopped working, landline and mobiles, only text and email worked, and we started receiving emails from parents, relatives, friends, still nothing from my husband.
I then tried to send him and email and a text. And finally he managed to come back to me, he was thankfully still home, not aware of anything. I said I loved him and that I was safe and that I might stay at the office until the situation was clearer.

After two hours of listening to the news and reassuring more family and friends, we decided to leave our office against police advice. We just wanted to be with our husbands and be home safe. The police interrupted all bus services and the underground was obviously closed as well, so the only way to get home was to walk, as all taxis were impossible to find.

We locked up the office and started walking with nervousness and a bit of anxiety, but we did. The streets were empty of traffic, apart from ambulances and police, and people walking and stopping at TV shops to see the latest news. There was an eerie quiet in the city, an eerie calm and it was scary to be out there. A slight drizzle rain started to come down, the sky was grey and dark, the atmosphere really surreal. We kept on walking taking small little road and avoiding big or important junction that could be targets and at one point we each went to our separate directions. I kept on walking under the rain, around me very few cars running, roads shut down, nervous police, people walking home and getting lost, walking with maps in their hands, all looking like scared and lost tourists. Then I saw two girls desperately trying to stop cars with a sign that read ''Paddington Hospital'', which is the St Mary's Hospital in Paddington, where many wounded were taken after the blast in Edgware Road tube. I thought that they were probably trying to get there as a friend or a family member was wounded and there were desperate to get there as soon as possible. I didn't see anybody stopping, but I am sure someone did sooner or later. I really hope who they were going to see is fine.

I wish everybody was fine, but some are obviously not and I feel so upset that there are wives like me, that unlike me, haven't heard from their husbands, I feel angry that some dads, husbands, wives or son or daughter will not come home and I wish I could help somebody somehow, I wish I was a doctor or a nurse or a policeman or a firemen, instead of a stupid office manager.

I just feel helpless and wish I wasn't. But this isn't about me but about the brave people that acted with calm and saved people around them, ordinary people like me, working people that were just going to work, looking forward to the weekend ahead, sitting reading their morning paper or listening to their ipods. People that have not gone back home last night and that will never go back home.

For them I say a prayer, for them I close my eyes and wish they are safe now and not suffering anymore. I wish they are angels now and look after their loved ones from up there.

All my love and prayers go to them and their families and friends in this terrible and sad time.